And I lived always on a strain, trying to do what I felt I "must" do, and never, it seemed to me, able to do as I wished. When I came to that darkest hour when I seemed to be shipwrecked I let go even the "musts." I said to myself and God, "Now here I am given up to God --- I am all on the altar to stay; whatever desires God allows to stay in my heart I am going to follow and call them God's desires." You see, I was desperate. I had tried so hard and long to make myself have "good" desires, and there were the same old ones stronger than ever. I supposed I knew what desires were "good," but since then I have learned that some I called "bad" were good, as for instance the desire to be happy and loved; but my false ideals of a righteous life included the doing of "duty" when it was hard, and the carrying of a solemn face and heart. These ideas, of course, I outgrew as I learned that God is love. And with such ideals it is no wonder I failed miserably in living up to them. They were unnatural standards of life. Well, I gave up trying and turned myself loose to follow whatever desires God let come into my heart. I was a little provoked and resentful too, to think the supreme power had not enabled me to follow out the standards I thought right. So I just washed my hands of the whole thing and told God if there was any making over he would have to do it.

What do you suppose was my first desire after I had thus dropped all responsibility for myself and the world? I wanted to sleep. I couldn't seem to sleep enough. "Well, I'll sleep then," I said --- "if God doesn't want me to sleep he can wake me up." So I slept. I would get up in the morning and get